i should be writing a paper for my literature class but instead i am sitting on tumblr about to pour my feelings out to no one who would actually take the time to read this. i am just so confused. i am so happy and so sad at the same time. and i am just so unsure of everything. i love him with my whole heart, at least i think i do. but lately i’ve just been having mixed feelings (no help to his constant mixed feelings). you would think that because HE cheated on me he would try to be nice and show me that hes sorry and make it up to me and stuff. but no. and i know that is a lot to expect from him. but still. we get into fights all the time over the stupidest shit for absolutely no reason. and the fact that he doesn’t get to see me just doesn’t matter to him at all. and i know i care about him more than he cares about me and that is so unfair to me. but he makes me so happy. we lay together and we are in eachothers arms and theres nowhere else i rather be than right there with him. and he makes me laugh. and sometimes he does the sweetest stuff. but i make him mad and he hurts my feelings. i know we are bad for eachother… his mother tells me that all the time. we’re no good for eachother. we are too different. like fire and gasoline. and i am in college and i am just starting to begin to explore life and shit and i am so unsure of what i want. sometimes i think it would just be easier to finally put it to rest, move on in our own direction. and other times i think that it will get better, and i know he will make me happy forever. but seriously life sucks and is so confusing.
i just wish that you could care. i wish you would let me into your life forever. i wish you could treat me like a girlfriend. but you don’t really know how. the past almost year was truly great with you. and i am sorry things had to come to an end. you were literally my life. and i hate that this is all ending but i understand you don’t love me. you never did. you never cared. and you can’t even pretend to care now. pretend that it hurts you a little bit. pretend that you’ll miss me. just know that no one will ever love you or care about you as much as i did. i gave my all and in return you gave nothing. but you got your weed, your booze, and your guitar…what else could you possibly need right? you know whats really fucked up though? i’ll be more upset and hurt than you ever will. i’ll be the one suffering more because i was the one who loved more. the one who cared more. i usually always am the one who puts in more effort and gets the shitty ending. and whats even more fucked up is the fact that i told myself if you broke up with me again i wouldn’t come back to you. and you did and now here i am trying to explain things to you and work them out. when you just gave everything up so easily. i told my fucking self that i wouldn’t get back together with you and i am still trying to. maybe its just not the right time. but all i know is that even though i was happy sometimes with you and unhappy most of the time, i am way more terrible without you.
i think a lot of people are disappointed in me. but honestly i think my sister’s opinion of me counts the most. i feel like i’ve let her down so much. i remember when i lived with my grandparents i just wanted to be with her so bad…to be there for her when our mom wasn’t. i didn’t want her growing up like me. and with all the stuff i do now or all the stuff i have done i feel like she wishes i wasn’t even her sister. i remember when i first moved to west virginia and would come back to visit on the weekends she’d always want me to play with her and i never would. and one time on the way back to west virginia from a weekend visit in pennsylvania my mom was trying to explain to her how we were half sisters…same mom different dad… and she responded “no niki is my whole sister mommy.” and i remember going to the babysitter with her when we were younger and the babysitter was so mean and made her cry so much i was literally afraid my sister was gonna cry to death and so i yelled at the babysitter and took my sissy away from her and waited for our mom to come and get us. and now we fight everyday and when i first moved here she told me that she wished i never came here because i made her life miserable. i grew up with my brother and now him and i arent even that close. i just want my sister and i to be close. i want to be that person that she can come to for anything and everything. and i’m pretty sure she hates me. i feel so terrible.
i’m sorry if im the worst. i’m sorry if i make you hate life. and i’m sorry if you don’t approve of who i am or look up to me anymore. i love you sissy, you’re the best sissy in the whole world.
its s unfair. i treat you like a prince and you treat me like shit. i hate that. i hate feeling like im never good enough because it seems to me thats how everyone views me. why can’t you call me baby? why can’t you take me out? after 8 months of being together you still have never taken me out on a date. are you too embarrassed? why am i always the one to get the short end of the stick?? just riddle me that. faggot.